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Waiting For Instructions

Iíve been thinking a lot lately about why I canít seem to do the things I want to. Little things like sending thank you cards, cleaning up my room, preparing negatives for printing, printing them, calling my mother, calling my father, taking things to the thrift storeÖand the list goes on, of course.

I kept a very messy room as a child. The kind of mess you had to wade through. I remember a lot of mornings waking up and before I opened my eyes I would wish like hell that I was magic and that when my eyes opened the room would be clean. I would visualize everything all neat and tidy, as if I had cleaning fairies at my command that had come in and picked up all my dirty clothes. I would literally lay there, my body tensed, willing the room to clean itself. It never did. You would think that when this happened, I would climb out of bed and go ahead and clean it up, right? I mean, when you hate something that much you do what it takes to change it, donít you? Not always.

My childhood home was fraught with danger. Every movement could be used against me. Seven children in one house is madness enough, but add a crazy mother on top of that and you end up with strange children. I would be paralyzed and unable to do things because the trip from the bedroom to the laundry chute left me vulnerable to attack. My mother might yell at me and ask me what the hell I was doing and why wasnít I doing X, or Y. My older sister might pick a fight with me, my older brother might trip me or strike me. It was always better to simply await instruction. That way if you were challenged there was some sort of defense. ďWhy arenít you doing ________ !?!?!Ē ďYou told me to do _________ ten minutes ago and thatís what Iím doing!!Ē (Always lots of (!!!!) yelling)

SoÖtoday I guess Iím still just awaiting instruction. I think of something I need or want to get done and this feeling of fear enters me. I considered for a while that it might just be that Iím lazy, but I donít think Iím any more lazy than the next person. No, I think this is a problem of allowing my past to rule me in my present. Iím not actually living my own life.

This sucks. This sucks because while I really should do something about this problem, Iím still waiting for instruction.

1:14 p.m. - 2007-05-26

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