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Cookies

There is something that keeps me from thinking clearly and logically in most situations. I suppose this is true of most people to some extent. Our emotions take over and we instinctively do what has kept us safe and/or happy in the past. We do what works. But what worked for me in the past no longer does. Using five-year-old or ten-year-old logic doesn�t work anymore because I�m thirty-two. And yet I continue to use twenty five year old information. Which is, as anyone can tell you, bad for business. At some point I have to stop relying on a little girl�s understanding. A ten-year-old cannot be a mature and working artist. A five-year-old doesn�t know how to build and maintain a healthy relationship. An eleven-year-old certainly can�t tell me how to get and keep a good stock portfolio. Well�I suppose somewhere out there is an eleven-year-old kid who could, but she certainly isn�t living inside my body.

The one that does live here is adept at some things, though. She�s great at distracting me from worries and situations I don�t want to think about. She knows exactly which food will be the perfect salve for my aching, bleeding, nervous heart, and she knows that I can�t stop until it�s all gone. She knows how to stop me from showing my vulnerability or even availability. My little protector. So good at what she does.

There is an obvious problem though. She�s doing all this work in situations that don�t require it. And I�m letting her. I don�t think it�s because I�m lazy and don�t want to do the work for myself, it�s that she�s very good at what she does and she�s just so damned convinced it�s necessary. How like me, to be so stubborn.

In fact right now, as I write this, as I attempt to be very introspective and mature about it, my mind goes racing off in three directions and I can�t remember what I started typing in the first place.

Mmmm�cookies.

7:23 p.m. - 2007-06-23

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