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Profoundly Alone

My little relationship is, I think, fairly over. Didn't take long, did it?

I feel confused about how it all fell apart, it seemed to happen both inside and outside my control. I know I did things to make it end, like saying "I'm breaking this up. This is over." This is generally an effective way of breaking something up, of causing it to be over. There were moments of exasperation, and fear, and pain, and feeling like if I didn't get out I was going to scream, so I guess that's probably a good indication that I needed to get out.

Of course now that it's (mostly) over, I feel desperate and sad and I do silly things like text him and say "is this really over?" Because I am a genius.

I've felt very much out of touch with my spirit lately, but once I began to realize there was a problem with the relationship I began praying very hard that what needed to happen would happen, that I would do what needed to be done, whatever it was. And I listened to my spirit, and I did what I felt had to be done, and said what I felt compelled to say. And I guess that's all I can ask of myself.

I have a vision sometimes of walking down a dim institutional hallway, passing door after open door leading into empty classrooms. I can see out the windows onto a vast empty lawn. I turn the corner at the end of the hall and it's just more hall, with more doors, more empty classrooms, and more empty lawn.

I feel profoundly alone.

10:26 p.m. - 2009-02-28

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