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A Challenge

I suppose the ebb and flow is what makes life interesting, but it seems so rude of me to be depressed just when life is getting good. Now, when the job and the apartment are solidly in place, now I sit here feeling separate from my body. I heard someone today say they don't feel at home anywhere, that there is nowhere they belong. I think everyone feels that way. I feel that way about my job, about my church, about most social situations. Today I feel that most clearly about my self.

Blah blah blah.

Why do I write about things I don't understand?

I finally have a job at church. Compassionate service committee. I'm actually glad of it...I like to help. The church has incredible resources, and to be able to be a part of getting those resources into the hands of people who need them, that's going to be fun. The hard part will be...well, there will be lots of hard parts. Not getting angry when I realize someone's taken advantage when there is no real need...that'll be difficult. Dealing with red tape. Dealing with people.

I guess I'm not that excited.

I've been cranky all week. It's a pain in the ass, but let's be honest; it's a familiar feeling, and as with all things familiar, I'm comforted by this unease. I feel at home wallowing in it. There's also the little thrill I get, knowing I've come up against a challenge and it's time to get to work unravelling my own psyche. Working in an office is seriously boring. Coming home to nothing-to-do is bland. Feeling anguish and fear and bracing the force of my intellect into it is, well, engaging at least.

Today at work I was told I would have to totally redo something I'd been rather proud of. This would be tolerable if it had come from someone who knew something about design, but it came from the guy who writes copy. The guy who happens to be one of my bosses. The fact that he was right, that it would get the point across better instead of just looking pretty is irrelevant. Annoyingly, relevantly, irrelevant. I was insulted and irritated that this guy who knows nothing about design was trying to tell me how to design, and acted like it. I hate it when I do that. So much easier to just let them have their say and then steam about it later so you can realize they were right in private, without having to admit you were wrong to be such a brat.

I stewed about it for the rest of the day, and most of the way home. My unrest of the last few days was bigger when combined with the sting of today. Finally I put my book down and started to really unravel it. I knew I was being unreasonable, I just couldn't figure out why, or how. But I realized that, like most other downward spirals, it was triggered by fear. I am profoundly insecure. I feel inadequate in almost every situation. Strike that. Every situation. The fear is that I will be found out and laughed at, scorned, pushed, mocked. This cushy office job scares the shit out of me. I stand up for myself without any belief to back it up.

8:59 p.m. - 2007-12-12

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