Careful Orchestration

It's my birthday tomorrow, and I'm waffling between drowning myself in chocolate and treating myself to a nice high-fiber, low-fat, balanced meal. JW helped me input my budget yesterday, and in a minute I'm going to figure up what I've spent so far, deduct that from my free cash amount, and go do some grocery shopping. Drowning in chocolate might not be an option this week. Drowning in Ramen Noodles, however...

I don't normally spend too much time worrying about new year's resolutions. I used to, back when I was a pod person, and hadn't yet learned how to think for myself. I mean, come on. Who, with a birthday so early in the year, doesn't think "damn, I could just put off the whole thing for a couple of months and make it more meaningful by doing it on a day that's special to me, instead of a day that's only sort of special to millions of people." So, yeah. I've been thinking lately about what I want to focus on during this year.

And I haven't totally decided.

I do honestly believe that a person can do with their lives very specific things. That I can bring things into my life and let things out, and that I have control over how I respond to things (which also has an effect on the direction of my life). I get to choose what my life will be. I didn't always think this, and most of my life has been spent waiting for things to happen to me. But part of me knew, and that part of me has been carefully orchestrating things to bring me to where I am now. I believe I'm possibly two people. One, waiting for God to take me where He wants me to be, and the other, a pretty pretty princess who looks at the options and decides that this way is the way, and damn the rest of you. She's kind of a pushy pretty pretty princess. And they both live in some sort of strange harmony with each other. One buying fabulous pin-up girl shoes because they're pretty and the other analyzing the psychological implications of how I deal with sex and attractiveness.

I need lip balm. And a new sketchbook.

6:40 p.m. - 2008-02-17

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