So, the inevitable result of my spending too much free time on the internet is two-fold. First inevitable result: I go hunting for p0rn. Because I can. Because I like it. It refills my fantasy reserve. Which I use. Second inevitable result: chat. I get bored, I wander into chat rooms, I wander out of them, I place uncountable p0rn bots on my ignore list, I check my email, I go to cnn.com, and then I wander back in again. I enjoy the illusion of human contact.

There's an inevitable result of my inevitable result. I almost always meet a person, also on chat, also looking around, also killing time. Last night, I met someone, and spent the next seven hours chatting with him. This means two things, first that I have sped up my typing speed and second that I now have to figure out what the hell I'm doing. I have to place my feet BACK on the ground and look around the room I'm in. So I met this person, and as we got to know each other I realized that this guy is a good one. A good soul. And totally unavailable to me. He lives in a world where divorce means hell and he believes it completely, and my living in a world where that's not the case makes no difference. I respect faith...I know faith.

Seven hours is ridiculous.

So...fantasy aside...I learned something. I learned that I am ready. I am READY. I am ready to take all of this love and compassion and support and generosity, I'm ready to put it somewhere. It's time for me to get myself into a relationship where I can put all of this love that I have to give, and where there's just as much of it coming back at me. I'm not in the position I wanted to be in when I realized I was ready, but here it is. I'm fatter and poorer than I wanted to be. But I'm not freaked out. I'm not scared. Ok maybe a little.

That's all I'm sayin'.

Who wants to set me up? I happen to be available.

about to say something, maybe?

2:57 p.m. - 2008-03-30

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