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Thinking Things Through

I'm a person comfortable making allowances for human behavior. After all, aren't we all flawed and broken, just trying to do the best we know how? I don't think we can expect anyone to always make the right choice, which is why I have such a problem with the infallibility doctrine of the C.atholic church. No human person is perfect. It's what allows me to love them.

For a very long time now, I've been making allowances for things I disagreed with in my church. If no person is perfect, then no church is perfect, and I can be patient and wait for things to be figured out by the people as a whole, or at least by those who lead. Let me say that my faith in God remains strong, and my faith in His love is unchanged. But I think I'm done making excuses. I'm going to church tomorrow, I'm going to be as open as I know how, and I'm going to decide if I'm ever going back.

This isn't something I'm doing on a whim, and it's not because I moved away from the bosom of the church and came to this huge city where suddenly all sorts of strange ideas started buzzing around my head. It's been a long time coming, and it's been a lot of heartache and hurt. So much of my sense of self is wrapped up in my identity as a Mormon woman, and this gospel is the source of peace in my life. Possibly the only source. But it's also the source of the greatest hurt and frustration.

I don't want to let go.

Maybe I won't.

6:50 p.m. - 2008-04-12

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