A Teeny Tiny Problem

Strange Day Without Sun

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just do what needs to be done for myself? If I could come home and instead of watching tv I did my dishes, flossed my teeth, read a book, did some yoga...anything? If I anything?? I have a serious self-esteem problem. It gets in the way of my relationships; past, present and future. I find myself to be gross, uninteresting and irritating. I go to great lengths to avoid "putting myself out there" and getting to know new people, or catching up with old ones. Many people have been pushed out of my life because I don't think I'm fit for human consumption.

So, I've got to stop doing that. I say that a lot, about ice cream, about sitting around on my ass, about too much time on the internet. Must stop doing that. But this is some serious-big-happy-fun-time MUST STOP DOING THAT. That thing that makes my life miserable and hurts the people I love. Who would all tell you that I'm not disgusting, and I'm not mind-numbingly stupid and obnoxious. And they would tell you that my feeling this way is offensive. Which it is.

It's such a cliché, that when you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of others. But it's true.

So. First we have to figure out where it comes from. Just the thought of that makes me nervous, but here we go. There are seven children in my family, and as far as I know, none of them are as "sensitive" as I am. They don't flinch and want to disappear. Then again, we don't talk much about anything, so who knows. What I know is that I was a frightened and freaked-out kid. Always desperately looking for ways to control my life, casting around for some sort of anchor. My parents were way to busy being crazy to be any sort of anchor, and when they weren't ignoring me they were telling me I was useless and stupid, that I obviously couldn't do a damn thing, and that I was in the way. I don't remember ever really feeling part of my body. My house was chaos, and I felt like I was living in a whirlwind.

Bah. It's all very long and annoying, and from childhood it's on to junior high, then my sister's rape, then moving and shutting down and shutting out. Since then I've simply become better at faking friendliness, when what I really want to do is disappear.

8:13 p.m. - 2008-04-30

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