A Long Nap

I seem to have a small infestation (is there such a thing?) of Japanese beetles. They're like ladybugs, but they bite. They're getting in through the cracks where the windows open, and clustering around where my shades attach to the wall. So all day I've kept the windows closed. This has stemmed the tide of beetles, but has allowed the smells of food and people to puddle here after wafting in from the hall through the epic gaps between my front door and the hall. So now it's stuffy, beetle-ey, and smelly in my apartment. And I have yet to brush my teeth.

So right now I'm going to get up, open the windows (beetles be damned!), put a blanket at the base of my front door, and turn on a fan. And brush my teeth. After that I'm going to begin to organize my closet and unpack my books. I'm going to do this at 10pm because I napped for five hours today and there's no way I'm going to be able to sleep anytime soon.

I napped because I'm sad. I'm sad about my church, and how far it is from where I want it to be. I'm sad to feel alone. I want the checklist that an organized faith provides, but of course not any organized faith...MY organized faith. I want to be able to say yes and no to things without having to think about them, by simply relying on what the church says is the right choice. Funny thing is, I had no idea of the extent to which I relied on the checklist, so now I'm feeling sad because I miss it and at the same time angry because I relied on it in the first place.

10:15 p.m. - 2008-10-11

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