Thanksgiving 2008

When a passing fragment of a line on a television show makes you cry, it's time to maybe stop for a moment. "Forgive yourself."

Forgive myself for being so much less than I could be. For crawling slowly through the sludge of my life when I should be fighting with all my might. Forgive myself for my disaster of an apartment, for the race to the finish of my grad school application, for the mental block against getting a new job, or doing my laundry. Forgive myself for hating myself for it, while berating myself for hating myself, then forgive myself for that.

What a fucking mess.

I could spend the rest of the night cleaning, digging out the grad school application, and sending out my resume, and I would still feel like a failure. Nothing is enough. Today is one of those days, where nothing can convince you that you're worthy of...whatever. The voices in my head are loud and convincing, and even though I know tomorrow is a new day, that I'll feel differently, right now I'm determined to wallow in misery.

So...feel free to ignore this and go about your daily life, and I'll wallow, and tomorrow will be better.

8:54 p.m. - 2009-01-02

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