Finally Broken (and Whole)

I recently had sex for the first time in...wow...several years. I'm sure if I wanted to I could read back through this diary and find the last time hidden in the code words. I've always written this way to keep from offending or exposing myself too much to those who read this who also know me in real life. Good, wonderful people who have a certain understanding of who I am and what I'm about, and from whom I've hidden just how much I crave this. In fact, I'm sure a few of them are laughing, or blushing, or even cheering, and I know at least one of them is thinking it's about time I talked about this.

For years now, I've been abstaining from sex to fulfill a requirement of my faith, and to keep a covenant I made in a holy place. It's one of the most difficult things I've had to do. I've watched the years go by without the possibility of a marriage that would allow me to relax, to change "no no" into "go go" in the time it takes to say "yes, I will." I've been trying to erase the visions from my head, trying to handle the excitement I feel whenever I'm near an attractive man, trying to bite my lip and cross my legs, and masturbating like a madwoman; choosing the lesser of two evils. A large part of my time in therapy was spent trying to figure out how I could stop doing this, until a kind bishop told me that while it was an "unholy and impure act," it wasn't going to get me disciplined, and that I simply had to try. So I relaxed and felt okay about myself for the first time in years.

I've recently been having trouble with my faith, as you can read in past entries. I'm sure some will read this diary as an example of the slide into apostasy, a diagram of what not to do. But as Prop. 8 continues to be invested in by the church, and as members of my ward continue to speak falsehoods without challenge, my faith finds less and less to hang onto. Kind members have helped and been encouraging, but slip I have, and I find myself more angry and frustrated than welcomed and lifted.

So on Saturday when that beautiful man called up to my window from the street, bought me dinner and was so kind, genuine, caring, intelligent and passionate, I began to consider the possibility of walking through the open door. And I did. And it was amazing. And the door has slammed shut behind me, shutting behind it the tithing I no longer feel ethical about paying, the sacrament I no longer feel I can take, the covenants I am no longer worthy to renew.

The general conference of the church is this weekend. I won't be watching it. I'll be busy.

7:58 p.m. - 2008-10-02

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