I Must

I can't sleep. It's almost midnight, and if I'm going to get anything done tomorrow, I need to be sleeping. But I woke up late, and had a three hour nap, and now I can't sleep.

I'm discouraged. My courage wanes. I had a plan, and now I'm beginning to believe the plan needs adjusting, but I don't know how to adjust it and still support myself. I don't want to be a graphic designer. I don't enjoy it. It's like sales. I can sell, I'm good at selling...good at convincing you that this or that product is exactly what you need. But I don't like it. I'm good at design. Not as good as some, but not as craptastic as others. I'm good. But I don't get the same rush of excitement that comes when I take a good photograph. Is it so crazy to think that I could make my living as a photographer? To do something that I'm passionate and excited about?

Maybe it's just that I don't want to pay my dues, to trudge through the bullshit necessary to build up the conditions where I could. Maybe. But whenever I think about getting a design job I feel anxious and stressed. Shouldn't I listen to my body?

I should listen to my body. What is it telling me? Well, as I lay there not sleeping earlier, what it was telling me was that I'm not good enough. My portfolio is non-existent, my skills are lacking and rusty, and I don't have the education to be what people want, which is "up on recent trends".

I have no faith in myself, and the question becomes, why should I work so hard entering a field I don't like, to do work I find irritating, when I don't even believe I can actually do it?

Here's why. Because I have to. I have no other option. I have to support myself, and this is the best way to do it. I don't have a darkroom, I don't have a customer base, I don't have a website, and my need is immediate. I must eat. I must have a place to live. I must be able to pay off those student loans. I must.

This sucks.

11:51 p.m. - 2007-09-03

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